Up until two weeks ago everything I knew about Jon & Kate I’d learned from headlines caught while standing in line at my local supermarket. The gist, it seemed to me, was this: lots of cute kids, Kate was a nagging shrew and Jon a spineless milquetoast. Oh, and they’ve both (possibly? maybe? perhaps?) had affairs. Their marriage was imploding and the carnage was front page news. I felt a little embarrassed for them.

Then one day while flipping through channels, lo & behold… Jon & Kate on my tv screen! Finally, a chance to get to the bottom of America’s fascination with the Gosslins.

Six or seven episodes later - I’m as confused as ever. The kids are stinkin’ cute, no doubt. And yes, Kate’s a nagging shrew. That said, Jon’s flippant brand of sarcasm leaves me equally cold. So why watch? I mean, it’s cute to see them go on hayrides or run willy-nilly through a theme park, but is it really relatable? In no way can I relate to jetting off for a 3-day visit to a fancy Californian spa with my 8 yr-old daughter. Nor can I fathom Emeril Lagasse dropping by to whip up dinner for my brood. Then there’s the elephant in the room… the fact that THE THOUGHT OF TWINS, LET ALONE SEXTUPLETS, FILLS ME WITH ABSOLUTE TERROR. Maybe the hundreds of thousands who love Jon & Kate secretly wish for a six pack of their very own? (shudder)

And the marriage? Painful to watch. It’s pretty obvious they can’t stand each other. I couldn’t help staring at those sweet little babies and wondering what happens when the cameras and crew are gone and they’re spending every other weekend with daddy? It’s sad and debasing and the worst possible kind of voyeurism in my opinion.

So tell me, what’s the allure? Is it the pleasure derived in the misfortunes of others? A kind of ‘there but for the grace of god go I’ thing? Because if that’s the case I feel extremely embarrassed for mankind.

We’ve finally had a bit of progress job-wise. After 3 months of hanging out in NY & hoping the phone would ring, Jim’s accepted a temporary position with a Chandler, AZ based company. Arizona isn’t new to us, Sydney was born in Chandler, and we lived there just over two years total. We know what to expect. We know where the best shops and restaurants and pools and parks are; that’ll be nice.

Flip side: we also know about the soul-searing heat. It’s no wonder there are contract engineering openings in mid-july… all the sane people get the hell out of town well in advance of the first 115+ degree days. That said, we’re taking it.

Arizona, here we come…

This morning I had a great conversation with Sydney about how women are portrayed unfairly in society. It’s amazing how much an 8 yr-old picks up on. Like it’s better to be blonde, thin, a little dumb and a whole lot subservient. That for a women to be viewed as successful, she need to be equal parts chef, mother, lover, events planner, fashionista, and mother teresa. Or the fact that men on sitcoms are bumbling oafs with beer guts and bad attitudes, but they without fail have hot wives.

She (Syd) couldn’t understand why women allow this to happen. Surely there are more mousy brunettes and sturdy redheads than bombshell blondes? Why can’t women just pull together and put an end to all the misogyny? Why can’t we be lumpy or stringy or flat-chested or gap-toothed, yet still have value… EQUAL value?

My little girl is growing up.

But then I showed her something that blew her mind. Proof we had come a long way in the past 50 or 60 years. I’m amazed every time I see these.

Check out this ad from the 60s hawking food processors:

Or this ketchup ad from the 50s… even a woman can open it… wow!

Don’t forget your Kellogg’s pep pills in the 40s, because a hard-working wife is a cute wife:

Woe be unto you in the 50s if he caught you not store-testing his coffee:

Surely it’s legal to kill a woman when she’s being impertinent, right?

It showed Sydney how far we’d come as a society. Is there still work to do? Absolutely. But we are evolving. We also talked about prejudice and slavery and segregation and how truly amazing it is to have a black president. Then I listened as she drew correlations between demanding african americans sit at the back of the bus (after all, they still get to ride the bus, they should be happy enough with that) during the civil rights movement, to saying it’s ok to withhold marriages for same-sex couples (after all, they can still live together & share benefits, they should be happy enough with that)… and how in both cases the majority had clearly gotten it wrong. And I was so proud of her I cried.

She’ll go a long way, baby.

Remember the old movie ‘Groundhog Day’ starring Bill Murray?  In it, Murray’s character (a cynical, acerbic newscaster) is doomed to endlessly repeat Groundhog Day until some higher authority (karma/god/xenu… choose your poison) is satisfied he’s finally gotten it right.  It’s like ‘A Wonderful Life,’ only funnier.

And it’s been my life ever since returning to the states, sans comic relief.

It’s amazing how busy you can stay when you have absolutely nothing to do.  First off, there are the girls.  Not knowing how long we’d be in New York it seemed, at the time, logical to continue the homeschooling we’d begun shortly before leaving Dresden.  After all, (a) no sense registering them when we plan on jetting at the first sign of a real job.  Plus, (b) even if we wanted to enroll them (which we sort of did) the state requires pesky proof of residency in the form of a lease/mortgage/utility bill to prove you’re living in their district. We don’t have these things as we’re staying in a vacation rental that’s week-to-week. Finally, (c) both girls begged not to have to go to a new school toward the end of the year and, darn it, haven’t they been through enough already?

So now I am one of those moms who homeschools (←look, it’s a verb!); yet another in a long line of things I never thought I’d hear myself say. And let me jut put it out there to all you teachers… you are some crazy, glorious motherfuckers!  I completely admire your stamina & tenacity. I love my girls dearly, no doubt, but teaching them is like taking a face full of buckshot from Cheney 6-8 hours a day, 5 days a week, week in/week out.¹  People who actually do this for a living not only deserve six-figure salaries, but daily palm-frond fannings & hot oil massages.  Mad props to you all.

It’s not just the teaching though… there are also the hours spent searching for jobs and/or waiting for the phone to ring.  That starts about 8ish and continues til around 5:00.  Then you remind yourself that it’s only 2:00pm on the west coast, so hey, there are 3 more hours for potential contact (best not to leave the house or do anything too involved, just in case!). And before you know it the alarm’s ringing again and it’s time to start another day… sigh.

That’s been my life for the past 2 months: the same unproductive day on endless loop.  And this, my friends, is no way to live.  That said, I realize it could be worse.  As with anything a little perspective goes a long way.

So is this it… are we indeed destined to repeat this endlessly depressing day?  If so, are there lessons to be learned, or is it just about handling the situation with as much grace as possible?  Most importantly, if we wish hard enough, and believe long enough, will there eventually be a tomorrow?

Because I could really use a (better) tomorrow…

P.S. Jeanni, sorry it’s taking me so long between posts. It was never my intention to leave you holding the bag. I’ll work on it… promise.

1. all grumping aside, I’m amazed at how much both girls are learning, so we must be doing something right. right? [↩]

not gonna go through the whole attempt at journaling this diet thing… just setting a start point for reference for myself later on…

so it is day 3 and so far so really, really good. trying super hard not to put any pressure on myself… nothing new and exciting here… i know what i should and shouldn’t be doing…. just applying the basic math and keeping things as unobtrusive and normal as possible. not setting any real goals about weight and trying not to even think about it in terms of that. and much to my surprise it is kind of working. yeah, it’s still early and i’m very aware it could all crumble away at any given moment… but my idea of using the altered old aa adage of ‘one day at a time’ to a more manageable ‘2 hours at a time’ seems to work for me…

i had really gotten out of control and my old habits were a free for all feeding frenzy… and now i’m eating on schedule… small meals every 4 hours, which works out to 4 (again, smaller) meals a day and then at every 2 hour mark i allow for a healthy snack if i want (and i usually do). so it feels like i’m pretty much eating all the time… but i’m not eating a lot and of course i made sure to leave all my usual bad habits and trouble foods off the grocery list, so i’m eating healthier… lots of chicken and fruit.

i know it’s still early, but so far i haven’t ever felt hungry or deprived… the weird part is trying to juggle an unnatural, more positive attitude with reality… because of all my mental issues, that’s a really tough line to manage for me.

and of course this would all be much easier if i didn’t also have to juggle feeding 3 men in the house, none of whom cook… i just want to feel better and have to remember that they want me to feel better too… so as soon as i figure out how to manage this problem on a regular basis, i’ll feel a little more in control.

like a lot of people these days… our financial situation is bad. really bad. bad to the tune of having almost 600 dollars a month more bills than income. it has been like that for longer than i’d like to admit and it has obviously, gradually become more and more of an issue as we sank further and further down. for a while we simply were surviving off credit… which of course is a horrible solution… but everything was getting paid. and now we have reached the end of our credit… the most recent car repairs and the refrigerator repair have used up the last of it.

finally, a couple months ago we took our heads out of our asses and decided to figure out how to fix this… and we looked into our different options. despite the fact that half the year mr. j. works anywhere from 12 to 24 hours a day, he still tried to find a second job to no avail. so we tried to refinance… and we were declined. we tried a credit counseling type deal… and they said there was nothing they could do and recommended we see a bankruptcy attorney. the bankruptcy thing was a joke… they wanted 1800 and then suggested we buy a cheaper car and let ours go back. if we had 1800 and enough money to buy a car… we wouldn’t have needed the lawyer. looking into everything they said, it just didn’t seem like after all of it that we would still be out of trouble… so, as a last resort… we decide there is nothing else to do but cash in his 401k and pay off as much as possible. and today he tells me that he’s not allowed to do this. yeah, he is not allowed to have his own money… what the hell kind of scam is this.

my point is this… i’m married to a goody-two-shoes who really wants to do the right thing. i’m so pissed off at life right now that i say we just stop paying everything except the car, electricity, and cable (of course) and save all our money until we’re thrown out of the house and then go find somewhere cheaper to live… run away. why is it that the “right” path is met with nothing but obstacle after obstacle… this is why people take the easy way out… this is why sometimes people do bad things… because the good things are made impossible.

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in an unrelated note… i’d just like to say, for the record… and i’m no math whiz, but i still know that you can’t give more than 100%… it’s just not mathematically possible, so quit saying it… it annoys me.

there’s just nowhere to go… it started with the popular 110%, but then you have the people who want to outdo the 110% crowd, and insist they gave 150% or 190%… let’s just say you gave infinity to the infinity power % and move on.

give 125% of your salary away (see preceding paragraphs, i know this doesn’t work)
fill your glass of milk 150%
walk 110% to the edge of a rooftop

the most you can do is 100%, after that it’s just wrong… the end.

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in an even unrelateder note… mia farrow is good. i wish her well.

… to tell you how much i am loving celebrity apprentice, despite every bone in my body insisting i should shut up and take this fact to the grave… it truly is the definition of guilty pleasure… i hate the mere idea that i am watching the show… i didn’t watch the first one and only started watching this one kinda by accident as i was desperately searching for something to watch one saturday night and stumbled across what turned out to be a rerun of the first episode… but i am soooo happy i did… because this, along with watching last cake standing, has turned sunday night into the second best night of tv for me these last few weeks.

the show is blatantly manipulating with the editing and trump has been obvious with his firings (except of course the weirdly random firing of the kardashian girl for no other reason except having a dui that he claimed not to know about… which itself was either a lie or his own shortcoming)… but despite all that, and in many cases because of it, it is a hugely entertaining self-indulgent 2 hour extravaganza (yeah, 2 hours, crazy) every week.

last night’s elimination was a good one… little rivers’ sprint out of that chair, torn tendons be damned, and subsequent mad dash to the elevator with over-protective mother in tow was too funny.

clint black is just creepy.

proven once again last night, seemingly ceo’s are easily impressed… both advertorials were lackluster and uninspiring. i have to agree with jesse, i wouldn’t put either of those in my magazine. speaking of jesse… he has been my pick for number 2 but i thought he took a step down last night and didn’t think he came off looking very well… he may have been right in theory, but he was just being an ass last night. up until that point i thought he had been playing very well and had been quite impressive.

i’ve actually always admired joan rivers… i think she’s proven herself a strong and smart woman who i’m sure has worked very hard for her place in life… i also think she’s completely bat-shit crazy delusional. you have to appreciate her protecting her cub ferocity… but her mini-meltdowns are over-the-top norma desmond diva insane. (hey, i’m over-the-top norma desmond diva insane without the benefit of ever having been anybody…so who am i to judge). but man, what is behind all that pent up vile against poker players…? i’m just saying there seems to be underlying issues there and she spent a crapload of time in vegas… i’d love to know the story there.

you may think annie duke a bitch, but she’s a great game player and totally deserves to win. personally, i’ve liked her since i saw her take on an entire table of poker champions, including her brother and then playing an excellent mind game on phil helmuth to win it all about 5 years ago. she’s aggressive and i can totally admire that in a woman because it’s something i wish i had, but don’t. although i so could have done without the fellatory skills self-promotion thing from a previous episode.

perhaps my favorite moment of the night though came from brande i’ve-had-to-fight-harder-to-prove-myself-because-i’m-beautiful roderick as you could watch her struggling to find the right form of the past tense of forego and after a few seconds came up with ‘foregoo’d. i’m not gonna say that makes her stupid because i think it was more like just one of those deer in a headlight split second moments and she probably realized right after she said it… i’m just saying watching the process and the result was awesome!

for the record… i’m saying joan will most definitely be back next week… the lady may be half off her rocker, but she’s always been a smart business-woman and she knows she is good tv.

oh jeez… it’s starting. the end is nigh. the beginning of the end.
how tall are you? i’ve had the same answer to this question since i don’t know when… but there was still disco on the radio… i’m 5′5″.

my boys have been teasing me since they have shot passed me in height… but today i made the mistake of making some comment about marking my height on the wall like when you’re a kid… and they insisted we do it… so (oh yeah, you know where this is going) we did… and they laughed when they showed me the tale of the tape… the line on the wall marked at the height of 5′4″… i immediately called bogus and demanded a re-do.

holy crap… either i’ve been lying my whole adult life or i’ve begun the old age process and have shrunk an inch… this can’t be right and i refuse to accept this… i’m 5′5″ damn it… my driver’s license says so.

i’m not sure if i can accurately express why this is the case… but i hate how twitter is fast becoming all the rage for celebrities. this goes against a lifetime of beliefs…

from farther back than i can even remember, i’ve always wanted to be famous. i also just assumed, because my mind couldn’t perceive otherwise… that everybody wanted to be famous… i mean, why would you not? i thought the world consisted of two kinds of people… those that made it to the big time and those that settled for an ordinary life.

if those worlds collide… it throws my entire universe into a tailspin and soon nothing will make sense… twitter is becoming the bridge between the stars and the ground-dwellers… this saddens me deeply. i should not be allowed within 140 characters from having contact with any celebrity.

in coming across some of these the first thing that strikes me is the level of tackiness in backgrounds… shouldn’t they have people who can at least make their page not ugly to look at. (disappointing)

but there are a lot of celebrities who simply use it as just a way to self-promote… with their latest book tiled messily across the background and endless entries like “will be at the palace on tuesday, come out and join the fun” (huge disappointment)

and then there are the boring ones… i don’t enjoy having my illusion that celebrities aren’t like us regular shmucks shattered, but when they twitter things like “had the parfait, took home leftovers” it’s quite disheartening… i want to read entries like “pooped today and instead of the usual cinnamon scent, it truly smelled like daisies” or “resting in fiji, trying to read a screenplay. if george clooney interrupts me one more time…”

i don’t want to know that celebrities put their pants on one leg at a time… i like imagining it my way… where they just think about pants and a pair come floating in on a cloud and magically install themselves while harps play softly in the background.

Not the soundest financial decision when you’re jobless, I know, but we’d promised the girls a wii when we returned to the States, and yesterday we finally delivered.  Granted it’s not new (go Craig’s List!) but we love it anyway.

We boxed (my favorite), we bowled, we golfed, we tennis(ed?), we cooked with Mama… we even ’sang it’ along with Disney Tween sensations like Hannah Montanta, The Joe Bros & the entire cast of High School Musical.  It was Tweenarific!

Only now I can’t move, let alone wii.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I sprained things I didn’t even know I had up until yesterday.  But hey, that’s what advil’s for… let the games begin… again.